The tears
welled up in my eyes, as the flood broke the barrier of my lower eyelids, a
trickle flowed, then a torrent followed, as I realized my anger. No, I was not
angry at the world, I was not angry at God, I was not angry at my parents, I
was not angry at my wife, I was not angry at anyone. No one had done me wrong.
My life was
foreign to the imaginations of my childhood, my adolescence, my early
adulthood. Where was I, this could not be it. I mean yesterday told me that
tomorrow would be different. Yet here I was! How? Who did this? The rushing
stream of tears were the prelude to the answer. As the realization started to
materialize, I grew angrier and angrier, and the tears flowed faster and
faster.
Somehow, it
appears to help to blame someone, something, some circumstance, or event. This
delusion masks the pain associated with the unvarnished reality. However, on
this afternoon, I was not able to wear that mask. No, I felt the unmitigated
pain of understanding, the knowledge of truly knowing, the full sight of seeing
the undiluted truth. My life was exactly what I had made of it. I designed it.
I am solely responsible. When this revelation crystalized in my mind, my anger
reached its crescendo.
The flowing
tears slowly began to cleanse my anger replacing it with a sense of
disillusionment and disappointment. It’s not that I let my family down or that
I let God down, no it was worse, I had let my true self and purpose down. Now
what?
It was time to forgive everyone for their actual
transgressions, and for my perception of their transgressions. More
importantly, it was time to forgive myself for my reactions to those
transgressions and for my own actions. With the weight lifted off my shoulders,
and my mind clear of all the clutter, I was open to the inspiration and
opportunities surrounding me. With a clean slate, I was in position to not only
dream again, but to take action!
